how to drive to california

rushing

I have never enjoyed the state of Arizona before. I always thought Arizona was basically a fly-over state— more conservative than California, less interesting than New Mexico. But this time, I was almost heartsick over how beautiful everything was: the cactus, the distant mountains, the rocky desert. I loved it. I’ve been driving back and forth to California since I was 22, so I thought I knew the route well, but it felt different this time. I thought about how sometimes my ex would guide the steering wheel hands-free, just driving with his knees. I tried it on the highway when the road was open and no one was around. I could do it too.

Last year, after Michael and Bethany got married, I went to the Denver Art Museum, which has this really extraordinary collection of Western American art that’s in the permanent collection. I was so moved by everything I saw. It helped explain to me my own love of the southwest, the feeling of freedom that it seems to engender in so many of us, the appreciation for the landscape, the blend of Indigenous and colonizer cultures…. the idea of “going West” as a place to explore new artistic ideas, be free, make something new.

I’m always reminded of what a young country America is in Los Angeles, the buildings here are all so new, so mish-mashed together. It’s a strange thing for the point of a city to be something as ephemeral as entertainment. A few years ago, when I was new to LA, I met this screenwriter at a bar and he said about his career path, as if he were so exhausted and burdened by writing, “We touch the earth.” I actually (for once in my life) had a snappy retort, because I thought that was such a dumb fucking thing to say, which was, “Well you’re not digging ditches!” But maybe he was right. The things made here do touch the earth… Ugh… so lame…

I drove most of the way to LA in silence, or relative silence. I ate Haribo gummy bears and twisted the dial on the radio, listening to top 40. I called people as I thought of them, watched my brain spiral out and spiral back to me. I got to LA in two days, which I am proud of. I’ve never driven that far before on my own. I felt this intense feeling of urgency, rushing. Late last night I decided I really need to work on it. It takes the same amount of time to rush as not to rush. Rushing for me is a combination of anxiety and excitement, I feel it very physically in my body, it’s sort of euphoric and sort of uncomfortable. After the high has worn off, I feel tired. I saw on TikTok that if you feel most peaceful while driving that this can be a sign that you’re in fight or flight mode, and I wondered if that’s still the case for me. But Priya reminded me yesterday that I’ve always loved being on the road, or in motion. Even when we were very young, backpacking through Europe, I really felt happiest when I was going somewhere. Touring with bands over the years I always had the slight feeling of disappointment when we returned home. I like the feeling of freedom. An object in motion stays in motion. But I want to be a calmer object in motion.

Sheila Heti wrote a book I have never read, but like the title of: How Should A Person Be? While I drove I wondered if I should get back on the apps, I wondered where I should live, and I wondered how much healthier I should try to be because I sincerely don’t think I’ve been eating enough vegetables. (Jen told me sugar cravings indicate you aren’t eating enough veg?!) I wonder a lot what kind of person I’m supposed to be. For some reason I feel that this connects the rushing thing, why I feel so much urgency all the time. I’ve felt it for years, but the feeling like I’m trying to get somewhere and make something happen… there’s so much I want to do. Lately, I also feel that it’s some form of returning to the land of the living, like I can just talk and talk and talk and go and go and go and the more I do, the more I feel like myself. Which is wonderful and also a lot…

It’s beautiful and golden feeling here. I like looking at the mountains, noticing how green the big cemetery where Michael Jackson is buried is, how much time has passed and not passed. I feel so different but also the same, which is weirdly comforting. I spent $15 on a green juice yesterday. There is a specific kind of interiority to LA that I always forget about, like everyone spends a lot of time at home. Life here feels so much more private, less lived in public. I’m always struck by how few people there are just walking around, how, for such a big city, everything feels relatively docile. Once, a former New Yorker who was barely older than me told me she had “moved to LA to retire.” I didn’t get it then, but I do get it now.

Anyways. Those are the thoughts of the week I guess. I wonder sometimes how long I can sustain my own interest in this level of self-aggrandizing navel-gazing but clearly… I enjoy it. I listened to this song on the drive. Occasionally, when music is too poignant I can’t even listen to it, but I made it the whole way through this song. Hope you’re feeling as good as I do today. Going to go buy some salmon. Health prevails!

I also want to remind you, that if you’re interested, copies of my new book SOFT POWER are still available for purchase!

You can read more about it here.

Anyways.

🌊🌊🌊

As always, your subscriptions, shares, follows, comments, etc., always mean the most.

Please listen to my debut record, I Found A Reason.

You can purchase my poetry book SOFT POWER here.

For more you can follow me on TikTok, Instagram & Spotify

🌊🌊🌊